Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
