I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
