My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
