Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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