My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
