Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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