Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
