oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
