i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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