im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Can I color on your dick again?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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