It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
