Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
