I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize