i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Randomize
