I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
