susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
