He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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