just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
