How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
