I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
