I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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