Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
