Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
