I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
you will always have a special place in my vag
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
