I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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