dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
