i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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