Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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