just tell him i said nine months
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
