The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
