Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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