Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize