we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
