I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
