I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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