I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
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