i wish my penis had a tongue
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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