I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
