It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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