dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
