i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
