booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize