so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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