I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
