dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
