Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
