i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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