That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
