apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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