So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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