ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
