I'm so fucking centered right now
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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