i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
After tacos, we're chasing women.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
