remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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