My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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