Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
