I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
as a side note pls kill me
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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